The emotional and spiritual toll of divorce feels even more excruciating during February. When others are celebrating love with their valentine, you may be feeling the weight of divorce, separation, or struggling in a failing marriage. The bursts of hearts and flowers may remind you of what you've lost or compare your situation to others.
Healing is possible from divorce, but you may stay stuck in pain and fear. While everyone heals at different paces and you should never rush your grief or healing journey, there are a few key reasons that hold people back from moving on.
The key reasons include: excessive fear, limited faith, and clinging to convenient love instead of agape love. This blog post will go into detail of how to recognize where you are in order to heal from divorce.
Fear Has Taken Over Instead of Faith
Fear keeps you immobilized, making healing feel impossible. Common fears post-divorce can include feelings of failure, loneliness, financial instability, or judgment from others. Fear of the future prevents you from trusting God’s plan.
Failure has always been one of my biggest fears. The enemy knew this, and failing at my marriage and career at the same time kept me bound and in the dark. To combat my fears of failure, I strived to create a life that was extraordinary. I thought that if I were busy enough, surrounded myself with certain people, achieved at work, and wore certain clothes, I would have the perfect appearance. I was so terrified of being subpar—or looking as though I were subpar—that I put on masks to hide anything I felt wasn’t living up to my ideals.
When you’ve been wounded in a relationship, you start to see your spouse and everything differently. You live in fear that betrayals will happen again and again, that your spouse will never live up to your expectations, that there is no reason to have faith because it’s too late and you are stuck forever. When you feel this way without letting faith in, the fear will only get stronger. My fear of failure kept me from telling anyone, so I buried it.
The Apostle John explains, “Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love” (1 John 4:18 NLT). Once we have experienced God’s unconditional love and know he is at the foundation of all things in our life, but especially our marriages, we can experience trials with more certainty and joy.
Biblical truth: Faith allows you to move forward, believing that God’s goodness is still ahead.
We can only live well if we love well. When our relationships are taught, other parts of our lives also look dim. When my marriage and career were falling apart at the same time, my demeanor toward everything changed. The Apostle Paul warns us that we can have everything, but if we don’t love others, it’s like we are a “noisy gong or a clanging cymbal” (1 Cor. 13:1 NASB).
Paul announces, “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control] (2 Tim. 1:7 AMP). In the absence of fear, the Holy Spirit gives us self-control. Had I really been walking with God during the hard trials of marriage, I may have had the self-control to not become so resentful and used sound judgment to communicate instead of shutting down. Christ’s power and love can heal and restore you before you get to those points. But even in the middle of my mess, God was never far. I moved, but he did not.
When you move and start to get shifty, the enemy takes advantage. He knew I was vulnerable and my eyes weren’t up on God, so he planted little seeds of fear in me. Little things that, over time, really bothered me. He made me think that my entire life was a joke and that my marriage was a joke. I could feel my bubble bursting and the life I thought I deserved crumbling.
Instead of clinging to the fear of not living up to what I thought my life was supposed to be, I clung to God and his faithfulness. Faith holds you and rescues you. When you learn that life doesn’t have to be perfect—and if something seems perfect, it’s probably not—that is when you can finally release and surrender so you can really be healed and overcome.
The fear that comes with divorce can overwhelm you—the fear that you won’t be able to make it on your own. Maybe you don’t know how this will impact you financially. If you have kids, you may have a fear of how to coparent with the one who broke your heart while still making sure your kids have two parents in their life. You may have a fear of what others are going to think about you now that you wear the label “divorce,” making you feel like Hester Prynne with the scarlet letter. So many thoughts of fear during divorce can paralyze you.
Faith is calming, even when you are not. Faith gives you a feeling of ease despite your circumstances. You don’t have to come up with a plan or mastermind some way out of what you are feeling.
When the Bible asks what man can do to you, the answer is “plenty.” People can do plenty to make us question God and make us want to give up faith and let fear take over.
God may not have designed us for divorce, but he will provide for you during that time. Don’t believe the lie that fear should win and let it make you give up on faith. Don’t believe the lie of fear that you have made too many mistakes to be used by God for his glory. Have faith that in this moment, God can come in and show you clarity for how to steward relationships that he brings to you in the future. Have faith that you can still have a pure heart, and he can make you white as snow.
Searching for Convenient Love Instead of Agape Love
Maybe you've experienced convenient love, but you are unsure of what agape love. It's not always talked about even in church. Convenient love is temporary, conditional, and self-serving. Agape love is steadfast, selfless, and mirrors Christ’s love for us.
Convenient love does the bare minimum to get by. When things are humming along the course, you kind of coast through your love. It’s pretty good, and you don’t have to try too hard. Love is there when you wake up and there when you go to bed. But what happens when you don’t feel particularly loving one morning, or you had a bad day at work, and listening to your spouse is the last thing you want to do?
Those inconvenient times are going to require something called agape love. Think of agape love like loving your partner, even though they snore—loving them and being grateful for them when you roll over in the middle of the night, even when it sounds like a freight train is running through your bedroom and there is no caboose in sight. Just when you think it couldn’t get any louder, the whistle blows, and you hear the loudest snore of your life, making you wonder if your spouse is okay.
David shouts, “How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings” (Ps. 36:7 NLT). Where we miss the mark in our relationships is that we will ultimately fail our spouse and they will fail us. Our love is not unfailing like Christ’s. We often overlook the love of God and don’t incorporate it into our own relationships. When you really understand God’s agape love for you, you may be able to love others in a similar way.
Agape love chooses what is best for the other person, even if it hurts you or isn’t part of your feelings. Agape love is the love that helps your spouse make dinner when you come home from a bad day. Agape love is the type of love that buys a cute gift you know your spouse will appreciate, even though you two aren’t in a good place right now. Agape love forgives when you would rather not. Agape love puts the other person first, no matter what they can do for you. Agape love, even after a divorce, chooses to have an open heart.
God’s wake-up call is a promise to never leave you, to love you, no matter what you go through. He doesn’t break his promises, so if you’ve experienced heartbreak and broken promises from the world and relationships, know that God’s agape love is different. Agape love is the type of love that still checks in on the other person, even after you’ve had a fight. You check in not because you want something in return, or because you want to fight, or even because you really feel like it; you check in because you want to understand how those feelings came to be and to show that even when turbulence comes, you are going to remain steadfast. God gives a steadfast love, so when the waves come to take out a boat or the wind rattles the plane, agape love stays the course.
Learning how to love from the world means you can pick up all kinds of bad behaviors. You withhold love, affection, money, or kindness when you don’t get your way. You lie (sometimes to help but sometimes to hide). You normalize behaviors that aren’t actually normal, keeping convenient love going and dismissing agape love. Learning how to deal with hard times with the one you love can only really be examined by learning how God loves you. When you are wayward, what does God do?
The Apostle Paul teaches us God’s idea for love:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Cor. 13:4–8 NIV)
Where worldly love loses patience as soon as your spouse takes too long to get ready or takes too long to take out the trash, agape love waits patiently or asks how you can help be of service to lighten the load. Where worldly love wants what others have and overcompensates or brags about what you do have, agape love is content with the one you have, no matter if you’re on the peak of the mountain or in a dusty duplex. Worldly love keeps score, so if you did something nice for your spouse, you expect something in return, or if you feel owed, you don’t do something for your spouse as a tit for tat.
Agape love gives unconditionally, without any strings attached or expectations in return. There is no debt in agape love. You don’t owe anything. Worldly love lies and hides the truth. Agape love tells the truth with kindness for the betterment of the other person and maybe even you. Worldly love is skeptical of others’ intentions, where agape love believes in goodness and hopes for the future. Worldly love fails. You will always fail and come up short, even with your best efforts. But know that Jesus died for you and demonstrated how to love; agape love gets you through the failures in order to persevere and hope.
Even though agape love seems impossible to us, when we follow God completely and learn from him, it becomes more possible. Everyone wants to talk about love, but so few of us practice it, let alone practice agape love. But to live in God’s reality and not a fake fantasy is to tell the truth in love and to yield to who God says you are and not how you feel. When you go off your feelings or the world, you may grab convenient love. Convenient love will only lead to worried hearts. Why not trust the One who created you to heal your heart and pour into your heart, so you can give out love from your whole heart and live in full contentment?
Let God’s Love Heal Your Heart During Divorce
Human love fails, but God’s love never does. Clinging to resentment, regret, or shame blocks healing. Opening your heart to God’s love leads to true restoration.
When you cling to negative emotions such as resentment, regret, or shame, you create barriers that inhibit emotional and spiritual healing. These feelings can become heavy burdens that weigh down the spirit, preventing you from moving forward and embracing the fullness of life. Resentment can foster anger and bitterness, regret can lead to a fixation on past mistakes, and shame can instill a sense of unworthiness. Together, these emotions can create a cycle of pain that is difficult to escape, hindering personal growth and the ability to form meaningful connections with others.
When you open your heart to the transformative power of God's love, a path to true restoration begins to unfold. This divine love encourages you to let go of the past and embrace forgiveness, both for yourself and for others. It invites healing by providing a safe space where you can be vulnerable and authentic, free from judgment. In this openness, you experience a profound sense of acceptance and belonging, which fosters resilience and hope. God's love has the power to illuminate the darkest corners of the heart, replacing despair with joy, and instilling a sense of purpose and direction.
Through this process of surrendering to God's love, you embark on a journey of healing that not only restores your own spirit but also enables you to extend that same love to others. This cycle of love and forgiveness creates a ripple effect, allowing for the cultivation of healthier relationships and a more compassionate community. It is in this divine embrace that you find the strength to rise above your struggles, transforming pain into a source of strength and wisdom. Ultimately, embracing God's love leads to a profound sense of peace and fulfillment that far exceeds the limitations of human affection, guiding you toward a brighter, more hopeful future.
Don't Let Divorce Define You
Divorce is not your identity; it’s an experience, not a label. God can use this pain to shape your future and deepen your faith. Faith in His plan means knowing you will rise again.
As you journey through this process, allow yourself the grace to grieve and heal. Surround yourself with supportive friends, family, and community who can uplift you and remind you of your inherent value. Engage in practices that nurture your spirit, such as prayer, meditation, or seeking counsel from trusted mentors. Each step you take in this healing journey is a testament to your resilience and your commitment to embracing the life that lies ahead.
"Faith when it comes to divorce is believing and knowing firmly that no matter the outcome, you will rise again." -Wings to Rise above Divorce
Healing is a process, but God’s love is constant.
If you are looking for more divorce healing resources, understanding agape love in greater detail, or just finding February extra difficult, I'm offering a free chapter from my book Wings to Rise above Divorce. The chapter is about ditching convenient love and embracing agape love. Download today!
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