
January is often dubbed "Divorce month" by many in the legal sector who see a rise in divorce cases and people seeking divorce attorneys. Following the marital stress of the holidays at the end of the year and entering a new year often puts questions into perspective and is a final straw for many couples.
Right after this turbulent month for marriage and relationships, you see the stark difference to the month of love in February where couples celebrate all things hearts, candy, and bliss. If you're single, particularly newly divorced or struggling in marriage, the first two months can be a difficult time of year.
There are three main areas when it comes to relationship foundations and how you move from where you are.
Standing on some loose rocks
You may find yourself standing on some loose rocks that are close to collapsing if:
the day-to-day is starting to have more bumps in the road than happy times.
you nitpick over things more--discovering that quirks you once found endearing are now getting on your nerves.
revisiting the same argument.
While there may be many loose rocks you seem to be tripping over in your relationship, there is likely one very large rock that is out of place, causing everything to crumble above it and exposing the weak foundation for what it is. The best thing you can do in this situation is to dig to the root of the problem. Even if you take one of the small rocks or arguments you have and push it to the side, it won’t disappear—the large rock and unstable foundation will still be there.
You need to address the large issue that is causing everything else to shake. This could be mistrust in the relationship because of infidelity, secrecy of finances or disregard of budgets, or feelings of neglect, emotionally, physically, or both. Once you open up to your spouse and have a real conversation about the largest issues, you may find that the small rocks are not so heavy or in the way anymore because you are back on even ground and can manage the day-to-day parts of your lives. This process of digging deep and addressing the big issues will not be easy, as you still have to navigate the small issues and will want to address them; instead, you will have to focus and stay at the bottom until you flatten the bumps and obstacles in your way.
Stuck underneath the rubble
You may be stuck underneath the rubble and trying to claw out if you:
feel there is no turning point in your relationship.
are avoiding your spouse.
are living separately (either in different homes or bedrooms).
have started the divorce process.
This separation phase is a pivotal point for many relationships. During this phase, many couples decide to stay camped out in separation without addressing issues or working to improve their relationship. You may find yourself here if it feels as though you don’t love your spouse anymore, feel too much betrayal and cannot imagine staying, or have kids and do not want to put them through a divorce, or if there is an uneven financial balance and one or both of you either cannot financially live alone or do not want to pay expenses of living separate lives.
This is the point where you really need to consider how to move forward and try your best to get on the same page. This can seem impossible since one of you may be hard set on divorce, and one may be determined to stay together. This is the time to lean into God for support. God can heal and redeem your relationship. This is the time where you should pray for your spouse, your children, and your marriage. This is not the time to try and change your spouse, force or rush a decision, or avoid any decision whatsoever. This will result in increased fighting or distance, an unwanted divorce, or staying stuck in an unhealthy marriage, respectively.
Starting over
You may be starting over and building a firm foundation. This is the point where you have made a decision. You either have decided to stay together and fight together for your marriage instead of fighting against each other, or you have decided to divorce. If you are staying together, you have addressed the large issues and are ready to build a firm foundation together this time around. You will agree to handle conflict as it comes up so that you don’t get buried again by the rubble and rocks of life. If you’ve decided to divorce, you will vow to build a new foundation that includes healing from your divorce.
Reflection on your relationship foundation
When you face rocky situations, who or what supports you?
Where are you right now in your relationship? Stuck underneath the rubble, digging out? On some loose rocks that are close to collapsing? Starting over and ready to build a firm foundation?
If you are looking for more ways to move forward, you can buy my book Wings to Rise above Divorce.
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