When you start the new year without strong footing, you feel like the rest of the year will be a stumbling mess. If you're going through a divorce at the beginning of the year, it can be even harder. Learning how to build a strong foundation after divorce and reframe any negative self-talk you may encounter is pivotal in healing.
The Foundation Matters: Lessons from a Disrupted Yard
When I was in high school, one of my good friend’s parents installed artificial grass. They have a corner lot, and it is always marvelously decorated for the holidays. I didn’t know they had taken the steps to put in a new yard, and one night when it was late, some of my friends and I decided to go visit him. It was dark, but as we left the driveway to walk to the other side of the house, I could tell the ground felt different.
Since it was dark and our outside-inside geography was not properly matched, we were actually shouting outside his parents’ bedroom window. The next day in school, our friend told us that his parents were livid that someone trampled all over their yard. This delayed the initial installment to prepare the artificial grass. Even though artificial grass looks good once it’s done, it still requires proper planning and steps to achieve success (and level yards). Our trampling was a big setback to that plan.
His parents heard voices calling for their son and assumed it was a girl who didn’t have a good reputation who had a crush on him. I didn’t have the heart to let him think that it was someone else. By the next class period, I was tracking him down in tears, confessing that we were the ones who were stopping by to say hi and didn’t know about the yard.
His parents knew all of us and loved us. Neither they nor he would think us capable of causing harm. He decided to not tell his parents that it was us since they already had a negative view of the other girl. That’s the thing about darkness: even if something feels off, you don’t make the best decisions. No one thought I could trample on a yard late at night, causing destruction, unbeknownst to me. Just like no one (including myself) ever thought I’d be divorced. The illusions we see when we tell lies to ourselves prohibit the truth from coming through.
We want to use filters to create the perfect yard, life, and marriage, but sometimes you just need to dig a little bit in the dirt in order to level things out and rebuild. That’s when you really need to lean in on the truth that only Jesus can bring.
Encouraging One-Liner: What others see as setbacks may be God’s way of reshaping your foundation to be stronger.
Build on the Cornerstone, Not on Sand
Solomon gives us this wisdom: “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain” (Ps. 127:1 ESV). This verse applies to your relationships. Unless God is the foundation for your relationship and building it, you and your spouse can labor and toil all you want, but it won’t have the same outcome as if God were in charge. You and your spouse may both feel like you are trying to be the best and supportive spouse you can be for the other, but it still feels like work, and you’re always missing the mark about what the other wants and needs. What you view as a labor of love can be so different from what your spouse thinks, especially during tense times or times of loss. When the “love” part of “labor of love” is missing, you are just left with laboring in vain. The frustration that mounts from trying hard with no results or appreciation causes more obstacles and mountains to overcome.
Your struggles are just obstacles to be overcome. While you’re sitting in the middle of struggles, you may not be able to see the joy on the other side of them, though. When you go at things your own way and in your own strength, especially in relationships, the mountain you have to climb becomes much larger. You cannot think clearly when your judgment is clouded by emotions—including fear, sadness, shame, anger, and disappointment. These are not the fruits of the Spirit. Leaning into God’s truth means those negative emotions you are feeling can be combated by the Spirit with better feelings—such as joy, love, peace, kindness, and goodness.
Encouraging One-Liner: A shaky foundation may reveal areas where God wants to strengthen you before you flourish.
Rejection as Redirection: The Stone the Builders Rejected
As David is being rescued by God but rejected by others, he observes, “The stone which the builders rejected as worthless turned out to be the most important of all” (Ps. 118:22 GNT). This analogy of building and having God be your cornerstone demonstrates that with your own eyes and understanding, you may not be laying the proper foundation. By rejecting God and his plan for your life, you are susceptible to a less stable foundation. Even though in your own understanding, it looks like it won’t make a difference to skimp on the foundation and follow the way of the world, it makes a big difference when a storm comes and tests your relationship. Have faith like David; crying out to God with both your faith and doubts is better than ignoring them.
Building your marriage on your own without God at the center opens you both up to cracks that can easily splinter and cause everything to crash down, leaving you and your spouse in the rubble. Digging out of the rubble of your relationship will be much more difficult than taking time at the beginning to trust in God and build a solid foundation for your relationship. Looking back at my own marriage, I see that when the rocks tumbled around me, I couldn’t breathe. I was suffocating in the debris, and for every rock I tried to remove or climb over, it felt as though I would stumble over three other ones, getting even more stuck in the destruction.
After feeling rejected, you may experience a state of failure or worthlessness. You'll be tempted to compare your relationship to others. You won't want to dig out of the rubble because you just want to stay buried with your dreams. But let me assure you that your struggles, losses, or perceived flaws do not define you. God can use anything you are going through as a tool to grow and shape you. Your life is worthy to be lived even in times of grief.
Encouraging One-Liner: What others see as weakness, God sees as the cornerstone for your growth.
Action Steps: Building Your Foundation after Divorce
If you are starting the new year struggling because of your relationship, here are a few ways to focus on building a solid foundation in your spiritual, relational, and personal life:
Spend daily time in God’s Word.
Reframe negative traits or experiences as opportunities for growth.
Seek God’s truth over others’ opinions.
Try journaling or prayer prompts.
To get you started with journaling or praying, try answering some of the questions below:
What trait or experience do I view as a weakness? How might God be using it as a strength?
Where am I laboring in vain? How can I invite God into this process?
When I face rocky situations, who or what supports me?
I encourage you to embrace the process of foundation-building, even when it feels difficult. Remember: what seems negative or rejected can become the most vital part of your growth when God is at the center. He's the firm foundation you can stand on no matter what comes your way in life or relationships.
With God on your side, you won't stay down in the rubble, even if you stumble, God will catch you and place you back where you belong—next to Him and living out the life He has for you.
If you are looking for more inspiration on how to begin anew, you can buy my book Wings to Rise above Divorce, which offers reflection, prayers, and personal stories of my experience from divorce to renewal.
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