You know how movies tend to introduce romantic characters during a “meet-cute”? Two strangers at the coffee shop, who just know the other is someone special. Maybe coffee spills, and they fumble their words. Or throughout the movie, the two characters keep missing one another, never able to get together, but it all magically unfolds for the happy ending.
Life is unfortunately not a romantic movie, and meet-cutes are few and far between. I had a meet-cute, and all the right scenes played out in the right order at the right time, but the happy ending didn’t work out. Maybe you met your spouse and had everything in common, bringing you closer together, or maybe you were a case of opposites attracting (a fan favorite in the movies). Those differences create a magnetic connection, encouraging you to bring out the best in one another. What happens if those differences start to become a wedge in your relationship? Or what happens if one or both of you lose some of those attributes as time marches on? When marriage becomes hard, separation occurs, or a divorce is finalized, you’re left with zero confidence, focus, or passion about anything.
If a betrayal is felt early on in your marriage, the honeymoon phase is skipped. You always believe that the honeymoon high will linger, even when you return from your tropical destination. But when the plane lands and you are back to settling into married life, it might not be so magical. There may be bumps. When the bumps are things you could never imagine, it is hard to reconcile those feelings. I was always a big believer in giving the traditional anniversary gifts to celebrate love. The first traditional anniversary is paper. During my first anniversary, I became unemployed. I was laid off for the first time in my life (but definitely not the last). If paper is the traditional first-year gift, mine came in the form of a pink slip. When your life is abruptly changed early on in marriage, it brings you down from what should have been the ultimate high from love and marital joy.
By year five, I would experience my final anniversary, the traditional gift of wood. Where wood is supposed to symbolize something stable and long lasting, my piece of wood was hollow and rotting, and a few months later, I would be separated and then divorced by the end of year five. I was always very determined in work and relationships, but the blows from jobs and my marriage wiped me out.
While it’s a good notion to believe that when one spouse is down, the other can lift them up to support the marriage, life just doesn’t work in that cut-and-dried way. It doesn’t work like that for your job, your dreams, or your relationships. You and your spouse can both have rock-solid jobs and believe that the other is exceptionally talented in their role. You support each other and assume the best in the beginning. You know that sense of pride you feel when someone you love has a victory and something worth celebrating—but what happens when you both experience loss at the same time? If one or both of you lose your job, you lose a child, you lose a home? Will you still be able to remain confident in each other and see the good you once saw in the beginning? It’s easy to uphold the part of “for better” in marriage vows, but we often struggle with “the worse” because we never really define or imagine what “worse” really entails until we are knee-deep in it.
Celebrating the detours
Sometimes routes get detoured, but you still get to your destination. When you chase perfection, the detours in life are many. When you are unable to be content in the journey and where you are right now, you may feel like you need to pick up and go elsewhere. As soon as you get to the next stop, whether because you achieve what you wanted or because you didn’t and it looks different, you are ready to move on again.
Instead of little rest stops that you can delight in on your way to your destination, you end up all over the map, never really stopping to take a picture or remember the memory.
Marriage can be like that. Maybe one of you loves to take things in and enjoy them in the moment, but the other doesn’t. One of you may always be rushing or focused on getting to the next point. When I travel, I used to care more about the plan and checking everything off the list to make sure I had the best trip possible. While my intentions were good, and I wanted to have a memorable trip, there is something to be said about stopping to enjoy and savor the moments, taking photos every couple of steps with your spouse to remember them by.
I thought if I kept stopping, I’d miss the next thing, but what I discovered is not stopping to take it all in meant that there would one day be nothing there at all. There would be no new sights to see, no next trip, and looking back at the memories would be a painful reminder of what was lost.
My next trips would be solo ones where I would stop to take photos. I still love to plan an itinerary and see the best attractions, but I always pause and savor the moments. I’m not in a hurry, I stop to talk to others, and I help others. I don’t rush through life anymore. On a flight after my divorce, I was on my way to one of my bucket-list items: Mackinac Island. If you’ve never been, it’s an island in Michigan where no cars are allowed. Being more of a fan of planes than road trips in a car, I had to take multiple flights, including a regional hopper, then a car ride to catch a ferry to get to the island. It was pretty heavy on logistics, but I didn’t care. As my ferry reached the island, I stopped to have breakfast, not in a rush to get to my resort and check in. On the ferry ride over, I sat up top, taking videos of the island coming into view and the grand Mackinac Bridge towering over me, snapping selfies as the wind blew my hair all over my face. They weren’t the perfect shots, but I wasn’t bothered.
Paul extols:
I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. (Phil. 3:12–14 NLT)
You press on with the strength of Christ. The prize is not perfection here on earth but eternal life with Jesus. While you are here, you move forward to where he calls you, knowing that along the way, there will be turbulence and detours, but you cannot keep looking back. In order to press on, you have to let go of perfection and embrace the progress you make, no matter how small or big. In your relationships, your past hurts and seeming imperfections can keep you from moving forward in unconditional love. The type of love that Jesus has for you, you don’t have to be perfect to obtain. When you extend that same type of love to those you love, without perfect expectation, you can move forward to a love that can experience all the progress and setbacks along the way.
If you have to press on after divorce, you can do so knowing that you aren’t alone and that God’s love is with you as you advance to the life he has in store for you. You can move forward, not looking back to get stuck but to learn from what happened and how you will treat a future relationship differently.
When you let go of perfection and celebrate progress, you may be able to stay in the moment, taking pictures with the ones you love instead of worrying about the next destination. You can let go of those worries and learn to trust the trip—even stopping to take pictures that aren’t perfect, like I did atop that ferry on a windy day.
When you have relationship hurts, you may not want to get out of bed at all, let alone get out of bed chipper and content. When you feel this way, one of the best things to do is to wake and remember, “This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it” (Ps. 118:24 ESV). God has made every day and knows every day to still come. He created this day, just today, for you to enjoy and cherish. He may know what lies ahead, but you do not, so you should be content with what the day brings, whatever the day brings. You can wake up knowing that God gave you another day. It’s another day to celebrate him and see what wonder he has planned for you. It’s another day to forgive those you need to forgive. It’s another day to look outside and take in the sunshine, the leaves changing color, the snow, or the tulips. It’s another day to move your body and feel your toes enter a fuzzy pair of slippers. You can be content in fuzzy slippers with a cup of coffee, reading God’s Word. You don’t have to dress up, but some people may feel content when they do that! Find out what works for you, and embrace the day that God has made, basking in all of his glory.
Focusing on progress instead of perfection is the better way for a life of contentment and stable relationships. Whereas perfection cares about the look and the perceived end of something, often rushing the results and delaying satisfaction, progress enjoys the journey and celebrates all the little wins along the way.
What are you celebrating?
Where do you still seek perfection? Write down two or three things you can celebrate that are in progress. This could be anything from a spontaneous date night, to seeking counseling, to having an honest conversation with your spouse, to talking about your divorce, to taking the time to stop and take in the moment.
If you are looking for more ways to celebrate the small victories and overcome divorce, buy my book Wings to Rise above Divorce where you will learn how to find redemption in your struggling.
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